HE WANTED TO LET GO

manbroken

I’ m back
To wanting to curl into a ball
Disappear from this universe
Telling her is one thing
Telling him
Or them
Is another
I just feel like i will be judged
And condemned
Judge and jury style
I hate this
I wish she wasn’t pregnant

Then i would have to deal with knowing my other family
When does it ever end
When does my life never get screwed over
Messed up, shitted on
Will i ever be okay
With everything happening in my life
I’m sure he will give me a lecture
About responsibility
Carelessness
Disobedience
Just o hard on me
I wish i could disappear
Just fo quiet
All quiet
All quiet

Why does my life just seem like
It is going round in circles
Falling into a bottomless pit
I feel like i am blinded here
Walking and groping a deep deep black darkness
Her kids are perfect
With perfect lives
Why should mine matter
I just seem to be digging myself
Into a 1000 feet grave
Sealed with platinum nails
Hail stones
Brim stones
Thunder
I wish they would fall on me
Could i be more angry even
Life simply isn’t kind to me anymore
I’m digressing again
Falling into this abyss of despair
The unknown

I wish i was confident
Stronger
Than i am right now
I’m really scared
Not sure what to do anymore
How did i get to this
How did my life turn to nothingness
I want to have Faith
Yet i feel faithless
Hopeless
More discouraged
I hope i can get to grasp
More of who i am
Because i have lost myself
Somewhere in this murkyness
I don’t know how to get back from this
Will she forgive my indiscretions

Copyright September 2016
Mulunga Alukwe

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